Calendars

why do people keep calendars? seriously. i have not met a single person with a filofax, a blackberry, a pda, a laptop, or any other kind of calendar keeping device that has actually attended more than 20% of their scheduled 'info-sessions' for the day. in fact, i think that this whole calendar business is one big ruse. you know what i think? i'll tell you what i think: calendars are bullshit. that's right, i'm calling bullshit on all of you calendar keeping mutherfuckers. you might as well call that shit snakes on a plane because it's that ridiculous. i can hear it now, "there are mutherfuckin calendars on the mutherfuckin plane, bitch!"

deep breath.

on a slightly mellower note, i sincerely do believe that the entire point of a calendar isn't in fact to make and then keep appointments in this wondrous grid of times and dates, but rather -- wait for it, wait for it -- that calendars exist for the sole purpose of rescheduling everything. calendars are in fact a limbo for all things interpersonal. i know people whose entire existence is defined by the shuffling and rearranging of calendar events. phone calls--phone calls, mind you, because you can never actually get scheduled to meet in person--go a bit like this:

a: hey, what's up?
b: nothin much, just hangin out with my filofax. we're chillin
a: uh, right. so you wanna catch a few drinks tonight. maybe get faced and egg some cars?
b: wait? what was that? i...i was alphabetizing my Filofax. we weren't paying attention. did you say something about omelettes?
a: no, i said let's get shitfaced and egg cars.
b: oh. oh. hmm. well...(pages flipping)...we'll see. let me ask Filofax.
a: okay?
b: well, we have a 2:30 with scott, but we think we can move him around to maybe the 5:00 spot. you'll only need an hour right?
a: are you serious?
b: what was that? didn't hear you, was rearranging some dates here...
a: actually, i only really need fifteen minutes. (sarcasm)
b: oh really? oh! that's great! then we don't even have to move scott around! we have a fifteen minute spot between scott and jessica. let's say 4:45? (clearly didn't pick up on the sarcasm)
a: um. sure.
b: great! we'll see you then!

i'll call back in twenty minutes to cancel because that shit is just ridiculous. also, bear in mind that that call will set in motion a ten minute soliloquy on the other end of the phone while appointments are shuffled once more.

it's like meeting up in person is the equivalent of an asymptotic barrier. and so to be placed on someone's calendar is to be relegated to a friendship blackhole. once you're on the calendar, you can never get off of it, but also your appointment is never fulfilled. the illusion of actually meeting just seems to get closer and closer to becoming a reality; and then, you get 'rescheduled,' and the process starts over once more. thus, these calendar people walk around with books of acquaintances with whom they never have to actually meet. so beware if someone suggests that they put you on their calendar, because you may never see them again.