That Doesn't Fit You

i'm going to be an asshole.

but someone needs to be. for all of our sakes. because frankly, this shit won't stand. correction: it can't stand. rather, it more or less hangs ...loosely ...gathered at the edges ...flapping, flopping, bouncing.

that shit hanging out from the side of your jeans, that's not cute. that's fat.

now, i'm pretty sure someone is getting pissed at me right at this moment. try not to be too angry. i'm just letting you in on the shit-talk that's going on behind your back, after it trundles by.

oh, and also, don't think this is gender-specific. that's just the best picture i could find. men are equally heinous perpetrators. let's examine a few errors in judgment:

there's the ass-taco

the gut-bomb

and man-jugs

if any one of these things is made more visible, is enhanced, or is accentuated by your clothing, you are one of two things:

a) a retard
b) blind

if two or more of these symptoms is exhibited by the patient at any one time, they should be euthanized immediately ...or at least shown to a mirror.

seriously though, it's no wonder europeans make fun of americans for being fat. just look at the shit we wear. the clothes we're picking out aren't doing us any favors. okay fine, europeans smell funny, but you've never heard someone go, "those italians girls, they're so fucking fat and ugly." on the other hand, when a tourist begins to rant on america, the only thing you can pick out between his nasty teeth, characteristically strong b.o., and terrible halitosis are the words "americans" and "fat" (...which are then followed up by the questions, "where is Mac Do? and why no mayo with french fries?")

at any rate, people need to be better judges of appropriateness. just because matthew mcconaughey goes around shirtless and lindsay lohan forgets to wear ...well, clothes... doesn't mean that either of those things will work for you. next time that saleswoman tells you those hotpants look great, be a harder sell and spare us the pain of watching you wear them.

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